With the Big 12 set for the upcoming football season, we need to figure out the new identity of the conference. There is no better way to do that than to take a look into all teams in the conference. Of course, I can only do this in the best way I know possible… by comparing them to Toby Keith songs. I can tell you, I had a lot of fun making this one. Below is the new Big 12 if they were Toby Keith songs.
Oklahoma State – “Should’ve been a Cowboy”
This one was easy but not for the reasons you think. Yes, they are the Cowboys; yes, I’m sure those fans listen to this song with enthusiasm. But listen to the words. I SHOULD’VE been a cowboy. Toby is saying he’s not a cowboy, but he wants to be. That sounds exactly like Xerox U to me. Oklahoma State has copied their whole existence off of Texas Tech University. May as well sing “I should’ve been a Red Raider”.
Baylor – “Wish I Didn’t Know Now”
This one speaks for itself. This screams Art Briles Baylor to me. “Wish I didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then. I wish I could start this whole thing over again.” The winning part was fun for Bears fans. They enjoyed being on top of the big 12 conference. All Bears fans wish they could go back to their glory days. If only this all didn’t come at the cost of a university turning its head to overlook crimes against humanity (allegedly).
TCU – “I Ain’t As Good As I Once Was”
The Horned Frogs aren’t in the Mountain West conference anymore. This team used to have 10+ win seasons every year. Life’s hard in a power conference. Here are the number of games TCU has won every year since 2018: 7, 5, 6, 5, 13, 5. I know a lot of you are saying, “Wait, they just made the national championship game two years ago.” Just like Toby states “I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was“; they still have the capability of having a great season every now and then. Just bet they will be average more often than not.
Colorado – “I’m Just Talkin’ About Tonight”
This song perfectly describes Deion Sander’s relationship with Colorado. As Toby says, “I’m not talkin’ ’bout lockin’ down forever, baby, that would be too demanding. I’m just talkin’ ’bout two lonely people who might reach a little understanding”, these are two parties who are using each other for their own personal gain. Colorado gets the polarizing personality that is Deion, and Deion gets the platform of a power conference team. I hope Colorado understands this relationship because Deion is ” not talkin’ ’bout hookin’ up and hangin’ out” he’s “just talkin’ ’bout tonight”. This is a fling, as soon as a college football power calls, he will be gone.
Texas Tech – “You Shouldn’t Kiss Me Like This”
This song makes me think of our beloved Red Raiders. “You shouldn’t kiss me like this, unless you mean it like that,” reminds me of the start of every Texas Tech football season. I try to keep my expectations realistic, but I fall for the hype every year. I wish they wouldn’t kiss me like this unless they meant it like that. You think I’d learn to be more realistic, but it’s inevitable that ” we’ll get lost on this dance floor, spinnin’ around and around and around and around.” Everyone will be “watching us now, they think we’re fallin’ in love they’d never believe we’re just friends.” I love my Red Raiders. I will always be all in on the hype train, and this year, when we reach the top of the mountain, I will scream “baby kiss me again.”
Utah – “I Wanna Talk About Me”
This team hasn’t even played a Big 12 game yet, and I’m already over them. Their fan base keeps complaining that they are overlooked. They believe they are too good to play in the Big 12. All they want to do is “talk about me, wanna talk about I, wanna talk about number one, oh my, me my, what I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see.” It’s all about them. Unlike Toby asking to occasionally talk about himself, this team wants to talk only about themselves.
Houston – “A little less talk and A lot More Action”
This university claimed they just needed an equal playing field to compete with the major universities in Texas. Well, now you’re in a power conference, and things look worse than ever. Coach Dana talked nonstop during his tenure at Houston and never backed it up. Now Houston fans are talking because Willie Fritz will take them to the promise land. I’ll believe it when I see it. As Toby says, “A little less talk and a lot more action.”
Cincinnati – “I Love This Bar”
Cincinnati is just happy to be here. They have made their way into a power conference. They had some success in the American conference with a few double-digit win seasons. In year one of the Big 12, they went 3-9. Cincy may not belong, but they are definitely looking around at the walls, saying, “I love this bar. It’s my kind of place.”
BYU – “You Ain’t Much Fun”
Here’s another easy one, this time for the reason you think. BYU “ain’t much fun since I quit drinkin.”. I’m tired of hearing about their great home atmosphere. All they do is focus on sports because of their straight edge lifestyles. There is so much pent-up energy in Provo that all gets let out on game day. They are a case study of how weird a place can get with no drinking and no “fun.”
West Virginia – “Country Comes to Town”
When West Virginia comes to town, you can bet that country is coming to town. There will be overalls, there will be hillbillies, and there will be burnt couches. These mountain people can not help themselves. You better grab your PBRs and “be ready when the sun goes down, that’s when country comes to town.” Side note: the more I listen to John Denver, Red Raider, the more I think he is singing about the Western part of Virginia instead of West Virginia.
Kansas State – “Courtesy of the Red White and Blue”
This great American song reminds me of the Kansas State Wildcats. Like American forces, Kansas State is a powerful, consistent, well-oiled machine that you do not want to mess with. You do not want to be the enemies down the sights of either of these two. They will wear you down and prevail after a long, hard fight. Both know the objective and stay focused until their mission is complete. When Kansas State is running downhill, it will feel “like the whole wide world is raining down on you.” This is brought to you courtesy of the Wildcats from Manhattan, Kansas.
Arizona State – “Red Solo Cup”
Another no-brainer here. We all know Arizona State as the top of the top when it comes to party schools, so nothing matches them better than a drunk Toby Keith talking to his Red Solo Cup. The program is in a terrible state, but at least they have fun there. Our Red Raiders don’t have to worry about Kalen Ballage or any other Arizona State back running for 7 touchdowns against us this year. Those days are gone.
Arizona – “Get Drunk and Be Somebody”
This Arizona team came out of nowhere last year. Since 2020, their records were 0-5, 1-11, 5-7, 10-3. This team took a huge leap. For multiple years, they were “a bunch of real nobodies,” but the “weekends here good God almighty, baby let’s get drunk and be somebody.” They finally became somebody on weekends. I just wonder if that will continue in the Big 12 with a 1st year head coach.
UCF – “How Do You Like Me Now”
Let’s take this back to 2015, where the Knights just finished their season 0-12. Things couldn’t have looked worse for their program. Fast forward to now, they have had multiple double-digit win seasons and a self-proclaimed national title. They have a formidable coach in Malzahn and a talented team. The university has a large alumni base with a beautiful campus located in a beautiful area. This program was overlooked by the ACC and the SEC but has found a home in the Big 12. UCF is only going up from here. They are smiling, looking back at those doubted then and saying, “How do you like me now?”
Iowa State – “A Little Too Late”
This one’s for Matt Campbell. Iowa State has reached their peak. They will have good years where they may compete for a conference title, but that’s it. Their ceiling is limited in Ames. It’s a little too late for Matt Campbell to get one of these jobs at a powerhouse program. His situation is a great lesson for “strike while the irons hot.” You need to take advantage of your positive perception before people realize your flaws. It’s a little too late, those jobs are a little too gone.
Kansas – “Who’s Your Daddy?”
Kansas is back!!! There is a lot of excitement around this program. Their fans, who never went to games, are now confident that this team can compete. With great coaching and a talented roster, they can have another great year. However, I need to make sure I share this with all of you.
Sure, you went 9-4, but you are nothing and have been nothing for a while now. Don’t let your head get too big now. Remember, “who’s your daddy?” It’s the whole Big 12.
Bonus:
Texas and Oklahoma – “You Ain’t Leavin’ (Thank God Are Ya)”
Oh no, Texas and OU, you ain’t leaving, right? Well, thank God you are. We are tired of your constant complaining. I don’t think the SEC will award 15-yard penalties for Horns Down. At least you have a talented program right now and will compete right away. Oklahoma, on the other hand…. yikes. Your over under win total is 7.5. Be careful what you wish for; I don’t care if you went to a better conference, none of that matters when you will finish 6-6 every year. Have fun being Alabama and Georgia’s little brothers.
This was a fun one for me to write. I enjoyed listening to Toby Keith nonstop while putting this together. I hope this gave you good insight into the new Big 12. This is a wide open conference with a lot of teams who can position themselves well over the next few years. I can’t wait for football season.
