Pirate Week is officially here as our Texas Tech Red Raiders take on the Washington State Cougars Saturday night. In honor of the late great Mike Leach, I figured I’d put together a Pirate themed Big 12 power rankings.
Below are the Big 12 teams power ranked and compared to famous Pirates.
16. Houston: Davy Jones
Straight to Davy Jones’ locker with this Cougars team. In week 1, Houston suffered a humiliating loss to UNLV 27-7 at home. Willie Fritz’s squad could get nothing going and looked completely lost throughout the game. I see this team being stuck in the locker all season long.
15. Cincinnati: Michael Bolton
Michael Bolton watched a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon and became obsessed with pirates. He gave us the tale of Jack Sparrow and even dressed up like a Pirate to boot. This Cincinnati team watched Big 12 football for years and is beyond excited to be a part of the league for their second year. Sure, they won’t compete, but they are happy to be here. Cincinnati is coming off of a less than impressive 38-20 win over Townson in week 1. Fade this team as the season goes on.
14. BYU: SpongeBob intro pirate
BYU is that pirate who gives us the catchy SpongeBob SquarePants theme song. SpongeBob has a large audience that enjoys their wholesome PG content. BYU has a large fan base that can only partake in PG content. Not to mention, their football product is child’s play, resembling that of a pee-wee football team. BYU was able to take down Southern Illinois 41-13 last week, and they may even play SMU close this week. Still, this is a bad team.
13. Baylor: Edward Lowe
You’ve never heard of this guy, and quite frankly, I never heard of this guy. After doing research, he seemed like a perfect fit for Baylor. He was ruthless and committed major crimes against humanity during his time in the seas. He had a strong 3 year run and then disappeared from the face of the earth. Strong short run of success? Crimes against humanity? Seems like Art Briles Baylor to me. Baylor is coming off of a 45-3 win over Tarleton State in week 1. Good luck against Utah next week.
12. Colorado: Han Solo
Everyone loves Han Solo; he’s cool; he plays by his own rules. Nobody is a bigger fan of Han Solo than Han Solo himself. This is Deion and the Colorado Buffalos. The media loves them, Deion and Shedeur love the attention, and they will only be successful when they begin to care about winning. Watch their play calling at the end of the North Dakota State game if you want to understand what I mean about wanting to win. Taking deep shots instead of running the clock out is not winning football. This team will be lucky to reach a bowl.
11. Arizona State: Captain Morgan
Arizona State started the year off strong with a 48-7 win over Wyoming. A couple of shots of Captain Morgan will get the night started quickly. This will also end the night quickly. Arizona State’s season may follow a similar fate. They are on upset watch at home this week against Mississippi State.
10. West Virginia: Captain Hector Barbosa
This is not a new Big 12 team; however, they are not an original Big 12 team. They have fought alongside the rest of the conference to help us stay strong in realignment, but I still don’t trust them. This team is Hector Barbosa from Pirates of the Caribbean. They will help us when beneficial, but we still need to keep them at arms length. West Virginia is coming off of a 34-12 loss to Penn State in week 1.
9. Iowa State: Ruffin McNeill
ECU Pirate alumnus and former Mike Leach assistant Ruffin McNeill had to make an appearance on my list. Ruffin had the Tech defense flourishing at the height of the Leach era in Lubbock. Iowa State is Ruffin McNeill for one reason. They need their defense to cry them to a victory this week. Going to Iowa with a banged up offense will be a tough task for the Cyclones in the CyHawk game. This will be low scoring.
8. Texas Tech: Captain Jack Sparrow
The Jester of Tortuga himself, captain Jack Sparrow often disappoints his peers and leaves them wanting more. Often underwhelming, people begin to doubt his skills as a Pirate. However, in the end and against all odds, Captain Jack will pull through and surprise everyone. This is my beloved Texas Tech Red Raiders. They often hurt me; hell, they had me dressed as a clown after week 1s close call against Abilene Christian. 8th is exactly right where I want to be, overlooked and doubted. Just like Jack Sparrow, this is where we thrive. Tech will win big over Washington State.
7. TCU: Blackbeard
Did you know that Blackbeard was not much a fan of violence? Instead, he used his intimidating appearance to scare his opponents and spread fear across the seas. He thrived of the perception of him as scary, which differed from reality. That’s like this TCU team who made the title game 2 years ago, giving the perception that they can be a title contender. In reality, this is a team that will be fighting for 6 or 7 wins every year. TCU took down Stanford 34-27 in week 1.
6. UCF: Cap’n Crunch
Cap’n Crunch seems like an appetizing cereal. You are excited to buy this and try it. Then it tears up the roof of your mouth and leaves you never wanting Cap’n Crunch again. That’s this UCF team; everyone is drinking the Kool-Aid, believing UCF will have a big year. UCF is coming off of a dominant win over New Hampshire. They will disappoint this year and leave backers wanting more.
5. Arizona: Paul Skenes Pirates
The Pittsburgh Pirates have a rookie star pitcher, Paul Skenes, who has been dominant this year. The team goes as he goes. This is like Noah Fifita and the Arizona Wildcats. Arizona does have talent on the roster, but Fifita will be the one that may or may not take them to the promised land. Arizona took care of New Mexico in week 1 and will continue their momentum into week 2 against Norther Arizona.
4. Kansas: Pirate Steve
Pirate Steve went through an identity crisis in the movey Dodgeball. He almost gave up the pirate’s life. Thankfully, he stuck to it, and average Joe’s gym was better for it. Kansas is going through an identity crisis right now. They don’t have a home stadium; are they a football or basketball school? Well, they have not given up on the football school part of the equation and it is starting to pay off. Kansas will have a big year.
3. Oklahoma State: Pirated Movies/Music
Pirated content has been in issue since the internet took off. Limewire and the pirate bay were huge places to illegally obtain music and movies without paying. Just copying other people’s content for yourself. Man, where have I heard this before… oh ya, Xerox U. You all know the story, Oklahoma State has no original tradition; everything is stolen from Texas Tech University. They are the kings of pirating content. Good luck against Arkansas this week.
2. Kansas State: Will Turner
Will Turner, the hero of the story. Bootstrap Bill’s son. Straight edge, follows all rules, and gets results. May be vanilla and boring at times, but dammit does he get results. This is the Kansas State Wildcats. They are not the flashiest, but they are always at the top and always get the job done. They are the model of consistency. Of course, my Red Raiders will win the title, but if I take my Fandom out, then this is my Big 12 champion. Keep your eye on the Wildcats this year.
1. Utah: Tom Brady Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Cam Rising, super senior in his 6th year trying to go out on a title. The old veteran stepping in after missing a year to get the job done. This feels like old Tom Brady leading the Buccaneers to a Super Bowl. The only issue is Kansas State and Texas Tech are in the way. They will handle Baylor with ease this week.
There are your Big 12 pirate power rankings for week 2. Make sure to tune in to the Texas Tech Washington State pirate bowl. Just remember, it’s always a Pirates life for me.
